Luxagraf

The Howling Fantods, a David Foster Wallace fansite recently held a DFW parody contest with some truly great entries. You can check out the finalists by following the above link, but here’s an exceprt from the winner, entitled “RE: The Aforementioned Matter Of The Comically Oversized Underpants,” which is pretty spot on:

“The problem didn’t so much concern the origin of the underpants that the Senior White House Aide was found sniffing — the origin was verified by the DNA tests that the Senior White House Aide had ordered be performed on the traces of vaginal mucus found within the underpants on account of his [i.e. the SWHA’s] own doubts concerning the origins of the underpants he was so keen on sniffing — so much as it concerned the incredible size of the underpants that were found draped across the SWHA’s head. In other words, after the results of the DNA tests were leaked to the quote unquote Liberal Media, and after the subsequent public and scientific verifications of said leaked results, no one doubted that the underwear had been, if not provably owned and purchased by the Young Female Celebrity Who Shall Remain Nameless, at the very least worn for an extended period by the Aforementioned YFCWSRN. But again, that was not really what concerned people. What people were really scratching their heads over also wasn’t why a SWHA would want to sniff the AYFCWSRN’s aforementioned underpants (nearly eighty percent of males aged 14-65 would have sniffed said underpants if given the chance, CNN polls reported), but why, when the AYFWSRN generally appeared so fit and lithe, the AYCFWSRN’s underpants were so friggin’ huge. As in comically huge. As in probably too big for any or most NFL players or sumo wrestlers to wear. As in if you were stranded at sea on a small raft with only one piece of clothing you would want those underpants because those underpants would make a big ass sail and then some.”

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